I've never considered control important to me - when I write the bio of myself next to my profile picture, words like 'relaxed', 'easy-going', 'go-with-the-flow' come quickly to the front of my mind.
But have I been shielding from myself a deeper truth?
That CONTROL really is important to me?
And that by consciously dismissing it's importance to me, and my lack of regard and care for it, I actually seek it strongly at a very fundamental level?
For me, I've opened this post with too many questions. This canvas is about moving past these questions which can act as impediments to happiness, satisfaction, belief & peace.
With only a vague idea of passive-aggressive understandings, my reluctance to stand up and confront an issue has seen me construct a 'shop front facade' which consciously protects me in the moment, really keeps me down.
Read 'easy-going' as quick to acquiesce.
'Go-with-the-flow' - I don't want confrontation right now.
'Relaxed'. Really? Inwardly seething, possibly?
OK, that last one is pushing too hard in a negative direction.
So to put these questions into perspective, this realisation I've come to over the past few days is encapsulated well, for me anyway, by my relationship with food and eating, as one example.
Though a good one.
While I wasn't willing to exert any influence or take a stance over what others wanted to do around me, I could control what I did.
Or didn't.
By making the decision at a very young age not to eat vegetables maybe I'm saying, THIS IS MY STAND. YOU CANNOT FORCE ME TO DO THIS. MY WILL-POWER NOT TO DO THIS WILL OUTLAST YOURS.
There's a saying that pops into my mind: "Bite your nose off to spite your face".
I'm unwilling to express unhappiness about something real which has happened. I store this up and use food and eating as the manifestation of this frustration/anger.
"This is my control. This is the power I am capable of".
And I then thinks this leads to a very black/white situational thinking pattern.
I don't eat vegetables. I'm a fussy eater. I'm into variety in almost everything else in this world and in my life EXCEPT food.
But that can't be true.
This isn't about food.
This is about attitude.
This is about CONTROL.
I've used things (food, tidiness and order, opportunities, experiences etc) as a way to exert control over how I can NOT do something if I don't want to.
Denying myself. Frustrating and bemusing others.
Seems very strange now.
Why would I take such negative actions?
Is avoiding the short-term awkwardness caused by a necessary confrontation over long-term ability to find satisfaction and peace, feeling confident, at ease, really a good enough reason for such destructive and harmful behaviour?
Fight or flight.
Let's be on the level, then.
Control: I really want control.
I want certain things to go my way. I want to influence others positively to work with me and for themselves, to the betterment of all of us.
Control out of confidence because I can be in control. I am strong.
Not control out of desperation - a whirlpool of confusion and panic, an absolute need to hold everything tightly within my grasp for fear of looking weak, incompetent, not up to scratch - and that I might let someone down.
Relaxed control.
Knowing I'm being true to myself.
Responding positively, confidently in any given moment.
Taking responsibility.
That feels better. There's a lightness to those last few sentences.
Now I need to tear down some barriers and build up something more positive in their place, learn what I can really achieve when I'm not exerting negative control directed inwardly.
Exhale.
